Back to Basics: BEATING A DEAD HORSE
I am happy to report that, since shortly after my previous post regarding an icky withdrawl from Cymbalta that I wrote with teary eyes and a troubled mind, the fog seems to have lifted. I didn't want to get ahead of myself and report to YOU, internet, that everything is dandy too early...
But it's been about a week and a half since I wrote that - and for the last week, I feel good! I feel fine! No more brain zaps or crying jags or creepy anxiety!!! I even did the "10,000 Maniacs Litmus Test" - I stood in my kitchen, turned on the 10,000 Maniacs MTV Unplugged Album, started doing the dishes and....
...well, I won't lie. I still got a little verklempt. But I didn't sob. And, come ON - what post-child bearing woman (or gay man?) doesn't get a bit verklempt when Natalie Merchant belts it out???
But anyway. Life is moving along and it feels good. Let's cross our fingers, shall we?
And now for the dead horse: I am going to attempt to touch on the topic that got me writing this blog in the first place and that I just can't shake. There is something within me that has such a damn hard time leaving my little ones when I work. Such a hard time. It eats at me.
I trust my daycare provider completely. I really love her. If my children aren't with her, they are with my mother a day and a half per week. I even feel guilty sending them off with their grandma.
I just feel - these are MY BABIES. Mine. Mine mine mine. (Not even so much my husband's. He does so much for them, sure, but, he didn't grow them and nurse them and do all those things that we mothers know that we mothers do!) I think: How dare I pass them to someone else during these years that pass so quickly? I'll never get these years back.
I know we all have to make choices, and we have to do what we have to do. I guess I might take mothering too seriously, maybe. I know I can be a bit neurotic about this. But is there anything MORE important than caring with all your heart and spending your time molding and nurturing the little humans that you created?
Is there?
