The Withdrawl

I am currently on day 8 of my attempt to walk away from anti-depressant medication (Cymbalta, to be specific). (Yes, I'm doing this with the guidance of my doctor, and yes, I weaned off before I stopped medication completely.)

The good news is, I am doing this, because over the last few months life has been fabulous, and I have felt strong, happy, and really, really good. And, as I've said in previous posts - I would rather not be on drugs. I'm more of a tree huggin' hippie organic herbal yoga deep breath natural  childbirth walk in the woods type of person, if you catch my drift. Basically, I'd like to to do everything I can to try to live happily without prescribed medication. It's just me. It's just what I want for myself.

The bad news is, that with drawls from Cymbalta are NOT PRETTY. Quite ugly. I feel like am in a very, very dark place right now. (And so of course instead of writing about it in my private journal on my bedstand, I have to tell the whole world and internet and god about it, as any proper blogger and modern mother would!)

I am so irritable... my poor children - my patience is non-existent. I am moody, sad, weepy, and anxious. Have you ever felt that you needed to laugh hysterically and cry like you've never cried before at the same time? That's how I feel. A bit mad, as in mad-hatter mad.

And then there's the BRAIN ZAPS. Seriously. Over the last week, I feel as though my brain has little seizures or something, that zap my whole body. My lips go numb and tingle. I feel like I'm floating around instead of walking. It's just strange.

I'm also having very violent dreams. And sexy ones! (Okay, Borat.) (Yes, the sex drive is returning. My husband is thrilled. I think his skin is glowing. Watch out good looking men walking past me on the sidewalk, I may attack.) The violent dreams have been strange: One night I dreamt of tornadoes and water spouts and natural disaster. The next night I dreamt a close friend's teenage son looked us straight in the eye and then shot himself in the head in front of me and her. And last night, I dreamt that we were being invaded by a military presence, and I was trying to run and hide and get away from them... Very Anne Frank and Gestapo-ish. Very creepy.

I am telling you this because, for one, I need to write about it, just to talk. Secondly, is there anyone else out there who has gone through this that can support me here or share their experience(s) with weaning off anti-depressants/ Cymbalta?

I really hope to get through this. I have so many wonderful stories to share!!! I want to write again! My little Niko is practically a MAN, baby and I haven't even blogged about his baby years!!! I looked at him the other day in his car seat and he is not even much of a toddler! He's a kid. A tall one!

(Oh, great, here comes one of those happy/weepy moments. Give me a moment.)

Moment.

Another moment.

Okay, it's passed.

So please, share your stories, I need you right now, my internet friends. It's springtime, and everything is beautiful! Life is way too good to feel so bad.

Comments

[BethanyWD]

I took Celexa for 2 years - starting about 6 months after the birth of my youngest, and I just self-weaned over Christmas. Like you, I see medications as necessary, I just wasn't sure they were necessary FOR ME anymore. I didn't feel like sleeping all day anymore, but I didn't feel much of anything else either. So, I decided to try to do it when my prescription was up. Luckily, I didn't experience the difficulties you have, but I wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and that it WILL GET BETTER. You deserve to feel better and so does your family.

[PiquantMolly (AKA Mollywogger)]

I think the "brain zaps" are vertigo. I have them whenever I forget to take my Zoloft for a day or two.

[jcn]

i have not had to go through the prescribed medication thing (yet)...but something tells me if anyone can get through this, you can. been reading your blog since you were pregnant with your second...

[Craig]

Hey Gerb, I think it's a good (and difficult) decision. If you find that it's not getting better, you can always go back or try something different. My instinctive advice would be to eat a lot of veggies, which you probably do, drink a lot of water, and find time for the exercise thing... In other words, flush the system as soon as possible. Good Luck.

[Ellen Altamore]

What's your doc say? Is this a normal reaction this far out? You said you tapered but for how long? Was it a schedule that the doc set up?
I think maybe setting a date for the end of the creepy feelings and when it comes, if you're still "off", I'd check with the doc again.
Maybe you just need to ride it out but it shouldn't be hell.

[louann]

I'm sorry I have no story to share with you but I just want you know that I hope you feel better the soonest. It may take some time, but believe that things will be OK.

Hang in there =)

Happy Mommy's day!

[Shalini]

Happy Mother's Day! Hang in there! :)

[Mel]

These are not easy drugs to quit which makes me wonder why doctors prescribe them so readily. I know you can do it, you're a tough woman. You're a Mom, after all. Get as much head clearing exercise as you can, regular sleep schedule, no booze (eeeks) and eat well. You'll see the sun coming up in that dark place soon. We're all behind you!

Oh, and Happy Mama's Day!

[Summer]

This is such a difficult subject to give advice on. People that have never suffered from depression simply can't understand the effects it has on your life. It's a horrible disease that has the potential to be life threatening. My husband and I both suffer from it, he currently takes medication and I have been off meds for over two years. When I stopped taking them (and even now) I got a presription for xanax. I take them only occasionally for anxiety, but they really seem to help me with getting through the rough patches.
It does get easier and better...lots of exercising helps with releasing good endorphins. Jogging worked best for me.

[Lissa]

Hi, this is my first time posting, but I just wanted to say I am going through the same thing... I am weaning off Effexor and I am having the same side effects as you. Guess Mother's Day weekend was not the best time to go off of them, all of the sappy commercials and Hallmark cards and the "we love mom" specials. I spent the last 4 days in tears! LOL I am going to do some of the things others have suggested, drinking more water, going for walks. Hopefully the brain zapps will end soon. Good luck!

[Rach]

Hey there Gerbie Gerah. Don't know if you're still reading the comments on this one, but here goes...
They put me on Effexor once for my stomach. (Yes, they're idiots, but that's beside the point.) Anyhoo, I had ye olde brain zaps as well. Mine would happen any time I turned my head, and I would fall over and whatnot. It was a pretty good time. It did go away after a few weeks.

Also, I know you're a hippie :), but this is your straight-talkin' capitalist pig cousin giving you a lecture: Sometimes the world does get better (like you said yours did the last few months) because your body works better with the drugs in it. Just sayin' they might not be all that bad if they make you feel better.

P.S. I really logged on to ask if you remember the Indiana Jones computer game that we used to play. Awesome.