Back to Basics: BEATING A DEAD HORSE

I am happy to report that, since shortly after my previous post regarding an icky withdrawl from Cymbalta that I wrote with teary eyes and a troubled mind, the fog seems to have lifted. I didn't want to get ahead of myself and report to YOU, internet, that everything is dandy too early...

But it's been about a week and a half since I wrote that - and for the last week, I feel good! I feel fine! No more brain zaps or crying jags or creepy anxiety!!! I even did the "10,000 Maniacs Litmus Test" - I stood in my kitchen, turned on the 10,000 Maniacs MTV Unplugged Album, started doing the dishes and....

...well, I won't lie. I still got a little verklempt. But I didn't sob. And, come ON - what post-child bearing woman (or gay man?) doesn't get a bit verklempt when Natalie Merchant belts it out???

But anyway. Life is moving along and it feels good. Let's cross our fingers, shall we?

And now for the dead horse: I am going to attempt to touch on the topic that got me writing this blog in the first place and that I just can't shake. There is something within me that has such a damn hard time leaving my little ones when I work. Such a hard time. It eats at me.

I trust my daycare provider completely. I really love her. If my children aren't with her, they are with my mother a day and a half per week. I even feel guilty sending them off with their grandma.

I just feel - these are MY BABIES. Mine. Mine mine mine. (Not even so much my husband's. He does so much for them, sure, but, he didn't grow them and nurse them and do all those things that we mothers know that we mothers do!) I think: How dare I pass them to someone else during these years that pass so quickly? I'll never get these years back.

I know we all have to make choices, and we have to do what we have to do. I guess I might take mothering too seriously, maybe. I know I can be a bit neurotic about this. But is there anything MORE important than caring with all your heart and spending your time molding and nurturing the little humans that you created?

Is there?

Comments

[Heather]

They are so cute! I'm there with you. It gets worse as they get older. My DD is in first grade now and I want to be home when she gets off the bus. I have nightmares about bad things happening to her. I know it has to do with the subconscious feelings I have that I can't protect her as much now that she's getting older and out in the wide world with people I don't even know that much.

[PiquantMolly (AKA Mollywogger)]

I'm sorry to change the subject, but damn, you are going to be beating teenage boys and girls away from your door with a stick in about 15 years.

[delmer]

You do have adorable children.

I don't know if this will help, but during times when I'm blue I find a little bit of Ted Nugent lifts me up; I can't believe a grown man sings about the things he does.

[Lisa]

I agree, there is nothing more important. And I don't think it's possible to take parenthood too seriously, too many people don't take it seriously enough. Cute kids, good luck with your inner struggle!

[Ellen Altamore]

Ah, all is calm (most of the time now) on the last block of Monroe. I could feel it settling over us like a soft blanket.
I knew you'd come out the other side, Gerb.

[Catizhere]

Oh, I feel you on this on Gerah.

Granted, there are the days that I CAN'T WAIT to drop them at pre-school, so I can have some quiet time at work. But, I wish we could afford to have me stay home with them.

[jcn]

my struggle too...i like working...i really do. i just wish i had more time with my daughter. why does life have to be so expensive!? i hear ya...you are so not alone on this one.

[Mel]

Yay! You made it! Congratulations on being brain-altering pharmaceutical free. The kids are beautiful. I know you feel bad about leaving them in someone else's care but no one will ever be able to care for them like you do (not even Daddy). We (the working Moms of the World) are all right there with you. Guilt is what makes the world go round, right?

[Craig]

Hey G, I get that, but I wouldn't get too wrapped around it. Maybe the kids are saying, hey, what a neat day without mom and I'm going to tell her all about it? That's normal, right? Was for me...