To Work or Not To Work?

It seems I was barely out of my hospital gown and already thinking about when I'd have to go back to work and leave my newborn baby at daycare. I just can't help feeling this way, but I DREAD it, even though I really like my job. My boss and I left it like this: Because I work part time (about 25 hours a week on average), I don't get a paid maternity leave. It's up to me to decide when I'd like to return. Before Niko was born, I worked three full days - Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. When I return, my boss would like me to be there every day - probably mornings or afternoons.

Great! you say... Wonderful! How lucky you are, Gerah!

Well, yes, but not completely. Like I said, I really enjoy my job, but dang it, I don't make much money.  Jeremy brings home the bacon, so to speak. He also provides the medical insurance, and benefits. And daycare for two children is not cheap. Once I pay for child care and taxes are withdrawn from my income, I start to wonder if working is even worth it... When I work, I have to buy nice clothes. I have to spend much of my free time cleaning and doing laundry, instead of enjoying my little ones and playing with them when I'm home with them. On the days I work, we come home to no dinner, and end up ordering take out or eating crap food. If I work, I'll have to pump breast milk and deal with all the bottles and frozen milk storage, yadayadayada.

But, when I work, I feel good. I'm part of the "real world". And even though I may only be making peanuts, I'm staying in the workforce and building my experience, which will pay off in the long run. My job is close. Five minutes away. Call me shallow and selfish, but I love pedicures. Not cheap ones, people. Expensive pedicures. And many, many other expensive and pretty things.

Why oh why wasn't I born into royalty?

I believe time away from kids is good for mama and time away from mama is good for kids. (Well, let me make an exception. I HATE the thought of leaving my newborn baby. An older baby, okay, yes. A toddler, fine. But newborn? The thought of it makes me tear up.)

So, I find myself wondering how other people make their decisions about their family's work/family balance situation and want to know how you decide.

Here's my question to you, Internet:

1) What do you do for a living?
2) How much money do you make?
3) Who takes care of your children? Parent? Grandparent? Daycare? Nanny?
4) How much do you pay for daycare per child?
5) Where do you live?
6) Other than the money, what made you make the decision you made?

Tell me, please oh please oh please? Leave your comments anonymously. I don't care how much money my readers make, and obviously if you're a stay at home mom, you're "volunteering" your time, but I still want to hear why you made the decision you did. I'm curious about income because that, along with daycare costs obviously plays a huge role in the decision making.

One more thing: Do you feel like people turn their nose up at you because you chose to work or stay home?

I personally used to assume all stay at home moms were simple, uneducated women who had no lives of their own... Then I had a baby and everything I assumed was turned upside down. I then understood why a woman might want to give up everything to stay home with her kids - yet I also understood why other women choose to work, and that many women have no choice, and simply have to.

And, hey! If I don't go back to work and decide to become a stay at home mom I'll have to change the name of this blog, darn it! Baby Poop and Sweat Pants? Baby Poop and Ratty T-Shirts with Schmutz Spilled On Them? Any other suggestions? Anyone? Anyone?

Comments

1) What do you do for a living?

I do A&R for a record label

2) How much money do you make?

60k

3) Who takes care of your children? Parent? Grandparent? Daycare? Nanny?

My husband (who works from home and cares for the youngest who is not old enough to go to school) and an after-school babysitter who takes care of my school-aged kids and helps with homework while my husband concentrates on work.

4) How much do you pay for daycare per child?

I pay the babysitter $3/child/hr which works out to be about 6k/yr.

5) Where do you live?

Just north of Chicago.

6) Other than the money, what made you make the decision you made?

Like your husband, mine is the bacon-bringer, and like you, I feel quite an urge to be a part of the "real world." My work is my passion, and I think it is healthy for me to be away from the kids now that they are old enough to go to school during the day. I did take 3 years off to raise the two oldest kids to pre-school age before going back, though. I decided to go with a neighborhood teenager to watch the kids in the house with my husband because a) the kids wouldn't feel institutionalized in a day-care. b) I didn't need full-on professional help because my husband would be in the house while she watched the kids and c) because one 17 year old girl proves to provide better, cheaper and more reliable service than the daycare facilities in the area. For a while, my husband did have to work in the office (which created a huge issue for us) and for that 6 months or so, I paid a much large amount of money (what would have worked out to $40k/yr) for a professional nanny to watch the children at home. The bright side of having the nanny was that she was completely reliable, she was older, was a certified nurse, and not only took care of my children, but fed them nutritious meals and had dinner on the table every night- not to mention a little light housekeeping and doing the kids' laundry.

mostly, for my husband and me, the important factors were allowing the kids to be at home, with a familiar face, and comfortable routine...not to mention the money issues.

I've really enjoyed reading your blog- it all sounds so familiar.

1) What do you do for a living?

I'm a veterinarian.

2) How much money do you make?

$35/hr; $70/hr on the weekend.

3) Who takes care of your children? Parent? Grandparent Daycare? Nanny?

Generally speaking, an au pair; occasionally my husband if I'm working on the weekend, or a grandparent or aunt or uncle of the kids.

4) How much do you pay for daycare per child?

The au pair makes - I think it's $159/week, and works 45 hours/week.

5) Where do you live?

Pennsylvania.

6) Other than the money, what made you make the decision you made?

Well, it's totally not at all about the money. I wanted to work, AND I wanted to be home with the kids, and not send them to day care. So, I became an independent contractor and I work when I want to, but usually 12-15 hours/week. We got an au pair because my schedule is unpredictable, and we have a LOT of flexibility. Sometimes it does seem like I spend more on childcare than I am making at work, but frankly that doesn't bother me. I enjoy my job and I love our arrangement, so I don't care if I'm making or losing money. But then, I'm the kind of person who would happily do her job for free (and in fact, sometimes I do -- I volunteer at the SPCA if I feel like I'm not getting enough "work" hours in.)

[Shelley]

1) What do you do for a living? Registered Client Service Associate. Fancy title for an assistant at a brokerage firm.

2) How much money do you make? $53,000. My husband works at Lowes and makes about $30,000 so I have no choice but to work. We just moved to the Atlanta area from S. Florida to buy a bigger house so that we could have another kid. I make about $900 a month more at my new job partly due to being paid 24 instead of 26 times per year, partly due to the fact that about $5,000 of my old income was bonus money and partly due to actually getting a raise. So I figured no problem....definitely we can afford another kid. Well, daycare for an infant would more than eat that raise so I guess we'll have one unless DH gets a better job.

3) Who takes care of your children? Parent? Grandparent? Daycare? Nanny? Daycare

4) How much do you pay for daycare per child? $130 per week right now. She is starting Kindergarten this fall and the before and after program alone is $90 a week for a private program. It will be $185 per week next summer because she will be going into a much better daycare. I also figured I'd be able to have another child once my daughter started Kindergarten but school's are closed so much in a year that daycare won't be that much less.

5) Where do you live? Atlanta area

6) Other than the money, what made you make the decision you made?

It's mainly money but I would not be able to stay at home. I would go out of my mind after a week. I say just listen to your heart. If you can afford it either way, just listen to your instincts.

[angie]

1) What do you do for a living? I'm a stay-at-home mom. I was an elementary art teacher before we moved to Alaska
2) How much money do you make? nada
3) Who takes care of your children? Parent? Grandparent? Daycare? Nanny? I do, but I do take her to a sitter a couple of hours a week, for sanity's sake.
4) How much do you pay for daycare per child? very little
5) Where do you live? North Pole, Alaska
6) Other than the money, what made you make the decision you made? My husband is in the military, so we move a lot. When we moved to Alaska, I just wasn't able to get a job teaching art. I had random jobs before we had our little girl, but I felt that it wasn't worth leaving her for a job that wasn't fulfilling. I don't know if I would have made the decision to quit my job if I had a good one. I never wanted to be a stay at home mom, until I no longer had a job that I wanted. We will move somewhere else soon, and I wonder now if I want to work. I cannot imagine leaving a 6 week old to go back to any job, which is what I always thought I would do. At the same time, I hate that I fit the stereotype of military spouse as stay at home mom.

I have recently returned to work part-time because my family relocated from the East Coast to the West Coast. My husband was without a job the past few months. He has recently starting working again so I will not need to work. Before our move I was a stay-at-home-mom since both my daughters were born (4 & 2 ½ ).

1)What do you do for a living? Legal assistant

2) How much money do you make? 20-25 hours $15 per hour. My husband will be earning 50k he is a firefighter.

3) Who takes care of your children? Parent? Grandparent? Daycare? Nanny? I would love to have a nanny! Right now my MIL watches the girls as well as some of my friends who have children the same ages. Before my husband started his new job he was watching the girls while I was working. After September my boss will have me set up that I will be able to work from home 15-20 hours a week and every other week work two 8 hour days in the office. I will at that time have to find childcare but most likely will be family.

4) How much do you pay for daycare per child? Nothing since we just moved to be back closer to family and my husband just got a new job. I am working part-time in an office but I will be able to telecommute and work from home in a few months.

5) Where do you live? Pacific Northwest

6) Other than the money, what made you make the decision you made?

I was very reluctant to return to work. Just the thought of putting my children in daycare scared me and at the same time brought tears to my eyes. But with my husband not working there was no other choice. My skills were more marketable and it was easier for me to get a job than him at the time. Since working-mind you this is still new-I absolutely love my job! I love the sense of accomplishment I feel at the end of the day when I leave. I love being appreciated by boss. I love being challenged, learning new things and stepping outside my comfort zone. Being at home with two toddler’s life has a way of getting predicable. I love driving in my car and listening music other than Disney or Raffi. I don’t mind my commute at all! I enjoy looking nice again and having a reason to get dressed up other than for a funeral or wedding. I relish the peaceful time to use the bathroom without interruptions.
I feel it is easier for me to enjoy going back to work for three reasons: 1) my MIL is taking care of my children and I trust her completely. I don’t worry about them when they are in her care. 2) My children are older and we can commutate with each other. I can ask them about their day and they tell me. If they are upset when I leave I can talk with them and reassure them I will be home in a few hours. 3) My boss is awesome and is very family orientated. He allows me to have a flexible schedule and works with me.

Now that my husband is back to work I don’t need to work, but I want to continue especially if I can work from home. I like that I will be contributing to our future home (we want to purchase a home in the next year or two). I really like what I do. Now that I have experience being both a Stay-at-home mom and a Working mom I have realized that everyone’s path is different and it’s not for me to judge another’s choice or way of life. I can understand the struggle that working women feel with juggling home, personal needs and work as well as being home all day. Being home full time is hard work but also very rewarding. Whatever choice you make will be the right one. If you make the wrong choice just chose again!

[Nils]

Every family not living in 1957 faces a simliar decision. In our case, I stayed at home while my wife went back to work. I'm a writer/author and rarely sleep more than four hours a night, so I could manage the child care and get some writing done during the day, then turn things over to her and focus solely on my career in the late evenings. I've had some success in what I do so money was never an issue - but that was more by happy circumstance than by design.

I have told my kids, and I tell everyone I know what I have learned from personal, bitter experience: money is *never* ... and by that I mean EVER ... a reason to pursue or take (or in your case, return to) a job. I have interviewed hundreds of old people in my day and never once heard one say "Gosh, I wish I had spent more time at work".

Gerah, you need to decide whether or not to work outside the home based not on the pedicures (which I know was a frivolous example), not on the household budget, not on mortgage payments or vacation plans or anything else that pertains to money. In fact, if the phrase "... and we could use ..." pops out in the conversation, back off immediately and rethink.

The ONLY reason to work is to keep yourself healthy - emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. That's it. There are no other reasons.

"Of course you're right, but the money --" STOP. No. It's not a reason.

"No, I know, I hear what you're saying. It's just that it would be helpful to have some more --" STOP. Nu-uh.

"Well, that's easy to say but in the real world, you need money to --" STOP.

Turn your thoughts completely - and by that I mean entirely - away from the money and focus on what will make you happy (and come on, do you think I'm that dumb that I will accept "What will make me more happy is more money, because --" STOP.).

In my case, nothing made me happier than to be home with my kids. I didn't mind diapers, I had a manageable routine, I'm a good cook (like that matters when they are in the "absorbing food through facial pores" stage) and it got more rewarding day by day. In fact, when nursery school started, I felt ... well, bereft. To "replace" my older daughter, I took in a friend's kid.

My male friends didn't understand it at all. They'd sort of treat the whole situation like I was someone to feel sorry for. I'm watching Sesame Street and going to swim classes and making geingerbread houses while they negotiate leasing terms, and I'm the object of pity. Ah. OK. I just didn't mention how hot women think it is when men are taking care of babies. I mean, why torture these poor guys?

Your friends and family and the rest of the world at large don't have to live your life - you get that resonsibility and that privilege. Pick a path not based on money but based only on what will make you most fulfilled. You'll be happier, your kids will be happier, your husband will definitely be happier, and the rest of the world can go to hell.

And if you don't KNOW yet what will make you happy, take some time, cuddle with the kids, and wait for the signs. They will come. Hint: the dollar signs? Not it.

Now, if you will excuse me, that daughter .. the one who went to nursery school and made me all sad? Yeah, she's getting married today. I have a suit to put on.

[Shalini]

1) What do you do for a living?
Right now I am staying at home, this fall will be in class for a few hours a week, we will probably go with a sahm that is licensed w/the state. I am going back to school for nursing.

2) How much money do you make?
Not anything yet, hoping to start in at 40K… depending if we are still in Denver or TX…

3) Who takes care of your children? Parent? Grandparent? Daycare? Nanny?
Currently it’s just me and my husband when he is home from work.

4) How much do you pay for daycare per child?
Nothing. But one of the ones we priced full time was asking $150/week for PART TIME, that’s 5 hours or less per 4 days a week; $190/week for full time. It’s such a money suck, but this place had an “aquatic center, a gym”…. It really looked very awesome, and if I was a kid I would have loved it, but my mom stayed at home, so that was wonderful as well. And I got to boss my little sister around.

5) Where do you live? Denver, but might be relocating back to Texas (thank goodness)

6) Other than the money, what made you make the decision you made?
In the beginning I was actually in school all week, my mom came for 5 months, and was helping take care of the lil one. She left and then I have been home for about 7 months with the lil one. My husband has let me have a choice on whether I want to work or not. He makes pretty good money. It’s just that the lil one is so independent (I know that sounds nuts when she is 1 years old) but she likes to try to do things herself. But she also absolutely LOVES being around other kids her age or even older. I also crave the adult time. I love my daughter, but my mind needs to get some stimulation as well, and I think for ME that it’s important. I think that I will be a better mother to her if I have some time that is mine, and for me. I also want to show her and any other child we have that she can be successful at work if she chooses and a great mom.

This is a great discussion, but ultimately it’s what you and your husband want. My husband and I discussed when we have another child (that would be #2 and final) that I will take Maternity leave, then he will take some leave, and then my mom would come and stay for a couple months, and that should have the lil one almost 6 months old. I too agree putting a lil wee one into day care would be hard for me as well.

- as an aside, as a nurse I think it will be a little bit easier to get a shift that can be flexible with the husband's schedule.

I wish you the best in making this decision.

[kenya]

1) What do you do for a living? i work part time retail for a furniture store

2) How much money do you make? a mere 9 bucks per hour

3) Who takes care of your children? Parent? Grandparent? Daycare? Nanny? either me when i am not working or a day care provider

4) How much do you pay for daycare per child?
15 dollars a day since she is only there part time. i am fortunate to have a very cheap yet very loving woman to care for my daughter. unfortunately, there isnt much in terms of "educational value" at the womans house.

5) Where do you live? new jersey

6) Other than the money, what made you make the decision you made?

there is no personal choice in my situation. i am desperately trying to find a job in my field (womens health/education) because we cannot afford to live on practically one income (hubby works for the state, but dont even get me started about whats going on with his job and the furlough - with the whole new jersey "budget" crisis thing! grrr!) especially seeing as how we are both just starting back into the workforce after grad school. i would love to find something that affords me the opportunity to put her into a good school, where she had academic play. at 18 months old, i think she needs something that i am unable to give her (socially, and that "group learning" dynamic) she DID stay home for her first 17 months, which was great, although she was cared for by a combo of me, hubby, my mother, and my mil. would i like to be a sahm? well, yes and no. yes, because i love our routine on my days off - i love our interactions, our outings, our personal time where we have an easy flow. but i think that she is a sponge right now, and she is just exploding with new words, new things, new actions... i feel like day care is a great thing, i see so much changing already! and she loves people, she loves interactive play...

so ultimately, i just need to make more money and get her into a better school.

dont think for a moment, though, that i dont miss her and mourn the "loss of babyhood and togetherness." (i am also emotionally bent over the fact that we have recently weaned from breastfeeding, so i am just doubly sappy)

it all depends on the situation, gerah, and only you know what is best for you.

[Kira]

1) What do you do for a living? What i did, until i was 9 months pregnant several years agoa, was do painting and decorating with my husband's business (he's a painting contractor) and work in an art gallery, practically running it, for a measly 10 bucks an hour (the owner didn't make much either)
working for my husband, hard to say how much I made.
3) Who takes care of your children?I didn't work for the first several years at all, really. after age 2 my neighbor watched him... her son is close in age. now, i just put him in "lunch bunch" after 2 1/2 hours of preschool which give me 6 hours on occasion, to work with my husband, which i don't do much.
4) How much do you pay for daycare per child? babysitters here run 10 bucks an hour. occasionally i do trade babysitting which works out well sometimes! (i recommend it)
5) Where do you live? baltimore
6) Other than the money, what made you make the decision you made? daycare here for those under 2 is 50 bucks. my son never took a bottle anyhow, so that was a major factor. and i felt guilty, and still do, putting him in daycare. so we are poor. heh.
do people turn their noses up at me because i am a mostly stay-at-home mom? hmmm. i dont' know! i'm clueless!
honestly i have to admit, forgive me, that i poo poo going back to work FULL time with a newborn, but really if it keeps you sane then fine. I don't think one really "needs" the expensive manicures but if it keeps you out of the nuthouse, work as much as possible!
the scientific studies say -- it's perfectly fine if you have good daycare. And after the age 1, they say the best thing other than mom, is group daycare, not a nanny or family member even! odd, huh.the kids are just a little more aggressive, no other intellectual/emotional differences. anyhow that is what the studies i have read have said.
take it all with a grain of salt please :)

[Nicole R.]

"I personally used to assume all stay at home moms were simple, uneducated women who had no lives of their own... "

Where I live, staying home is a bit of status symbol -- demonstrating that you can have the million-dollar house even on one income.

But your questions:

1) What do you do for a living?
Public librarian, fully-credentialled with a master's degree.

2) How much money do you make?
As a full-timer and manager, $70,000. Now that I'm part-time (one day a week) I make $30 per hour. My husband makes $125,000 and provides the benefits.

3) Who takes care of your children? Parent? Grandparent? Daycare? Nanny?
Me and my husband. When I work my one day a week, my husband has paid time off (he uses his 9/80 schedule and vacation time) to care for our son. He also has paid family leave to cover me for appointments and illnesses.

4) How much do you pay for daycare per child?
N/A

5) Where do you live?
An affluent suburb of the east San Francisco Bay Area.

6) Other than the money, what made you make the decision you made?
I don't work full time because I don't want to be exhausted and stretched thin, because I enjoy seeing my son 24 hours a day, and because I like puttering around the house with him. I work part-time to keep up my professional skills and contacts, because I enjoy the work, and because it's good for my family -- I get grown-up time, and my husband and son get to bond with each other.

My son is 10 months old now, but we'll put him in a good preschool part-time when he's over two years old. Then I'll either slightly increase my work hours or have another baby!

[summer]

What a tough decision! I think all moms go through this and ultimately make the choice that is right for them and their families.
I went back to work with the first baby from 6 weeks to about 3 months and I just couldn't take it so I quit my job and stayed home until she was almost 2 yrs old. It came to a point that I felt extremely lonely and like I was losing my mind. She also needed more stimulation than I was able to provide for her. Being that I couldn't do and be all that she needed, she really started acting out. My patience wore down and I was resentful of my husbands "outside" life, so much so that I resented his DRIVE to and from work. I wanted some time alone. I needed some grown-up time, so I got my real estate liscence and started working part-time. Now that we have a second babe I feel very torn about my choice to go back to work. Leaving him was so hard, it's hard every day, but I do what I feel I need to do. Thankfully I only work 2 days in the office, the other 3 days of the week I schedule my appointments and showings. I usually schedule them all in one very busy day so I can have them home with me the 2 other days of the week, a 4 day weekend. I could work more, make more money but I would be giving up up valuable time with my little ones. I feel very blessed to be in the situation I'm in.
Good luck to you in making the choice that's right for you and yours.

[Anonymous]

1) What do you do for a living?

I am a high school biology teacher

2) How much money do you make?

Approximately 60K. My husband makes about 70K

3) Who takes care of your children? Parent? Grandparent? Daycare? Nanny?

Both of my children started daycare when they were 3 or 4 months old. Now, the oldest just finished kindergarten. He stayed with a classmate's mom before school and I watched her son after school. But the 3 year old is still in full time daycare.

4) How much do you pay for daycare per child?

$185/week for the youngest's daycare
nothing for the oldest - it's more of a favor to each other - watching the other one's kid.

5) Where do you live?

Mid-Michigan

6) Other than the money, what made you make the decision you made?

My mom worked. My husband's mom worked. Growing up I never assumed that I wouldn't work. Going to college, I never thought that I would stop working once I had a family (though, it did make me switch from pre-med to education, so I'd have more time for my eventual family). As many people have pointed out to me, "teaching is the perfect kid-friendly profession" because of holiday/breaks and summers. But that's still 185 days or so where my kids are in daycare. I have working-mom guilt on some days. But I like my job. I'm good at my job. I want my son and daughter to see that Moms can work and be moms too. We don't lead an extravagant lifestyle, so the money isn't being spent on bigger houses or more toys or fancy vacations. Actually, most of it is being invested and put in college funds. My 6 year old already has almost 2 years of college paid for! I used to feel the same way you did about SAHM. But now I really admire them b/c I've found out I don't have the mindset to do it. I feel the same way about preschool teachers - to wrangle little people all day long? No thanks. I'll take the dramatic hormonal teenagers I teach any day.

Do what's best for you. You can always change your mind, right? If you stay home and find you miss working too much, see if your job will take you back at an even more reduced schedule. If you go back to work and can't stand it...give them your 2 weeks! I know it's not as easy as that, but you have to think about you and your kids and not worry about anyone else's feelings in this.

[Katie]

1) Video conference support for state university
2) Very very low 30K, husband is a teacher and makes about the same, have very small photography business on the side
3) Starting with full in-someone-else's-home day care in the fall, (husband is home in the summer) before that it was in-someone-else's-home daycare, MIL, and college student. We debated the cost savings of husband finding summer job but days cost makes it a wash unless it was overtime and grunt work, he is suppose to be working on Masters degree.
4) Will be $2/hour/kid with one kid in full time, older child in preschool in mornings at $600 semester.
5) college town in Ohio with 30k residents, double that when taking into count student population
6) I need time to myself and my kids need time with other people. I like my job and have alot of freedome. Also my job allows my husband to work on advance degrees tutition free. I could do the same and children will have same option so I'm here for life (crossing my fingers than never changes).

[That 70's Child]

1) What do you do for a living? Legal Assistant

2) How much money do you make? $13.00 per hour with no benefits. I went to college for this career choice. Employees at Taco Bell one state over make $15.00 per hour. Very sad.

3) Who takes care of your children? Parent? Grandparent? Daycare? Nanny? MIL on Mondays from 10:00 to 2:00, Husband (works third shift) - Tuesday through Friday - 8:30 to 2:00 and Me everyday from 2:00 to bedtime.

4) How much do you pay for daycare per child? $0.00

5) Where do you live? Northern New York

6) Other than the money, what made you make the decision you made? Jealous husband thought I had it easy at home. Boy did he find out differently. Two days into my employment he wanted me to quit. Didn't happen. Not much money, but I like my work and the break it provides.

[Diana]

You already know most of what I'm going to answer, but I'm a joiner.

1)part-time Physician in an overflow clinic

2)I won't give my salary but will say that it's about 1/3 what I'd make living
somewhere more stressful and working full time. I get no benefits or retirement. I also take no call, have no pager and do no hospital work.

3)I'm home 4 days a week, my mother-in-law is with them the other 3 days a week.

4)Hard to say. She lives with us, so there's that and we pay for her apartment, where she stays when not with us. Nothing what daycare would cost, though. Housing is cheap out here.

5)Rural Wisconsin.

6)I'll try to keep it brief. Medicine is not a career that lends itself to taking a few year off. It's possible but really, really hard to do. Cutting back is usually the most viable option, unless you want to flat out quit, which I almost did. Full time in a 'regular' practice is 60-80 hours a week, not counting call. Plus, if you are me, you don't sleep at night as you are too stressed from what your days involve. Best decision we made. I love what I do, now, and I get time with my kids. I cook dinner and plant a garden and clean my house (sorta). I sleep.

I really, really hope you find your happy medium. I think you will.

[Cat]

1) What do you do for a living?
SAHM for now, worked at an infertility clinic before baby

2) How much money do you make?
I made around 30K full time

3) Who takes care of your children? Parent? Grandparent? Daycare? Nanny?
When I was pregnant, I looked around for a daycare for 7am-6pm...my normal work schedule (commuting included). Only the huge centers had those hours...not even a nanny would take them.

4) How much do you pay for daycare per child? Because of the hours I was looking for, it would have cost around 32K a year for daycare. That meant I was 2K in the hole. A wash for me. I stay home.

5) Where do you live?
Washington DC area

6) Other than the money, what made you make the decision you made?
Money is always the reason I give to everyone why I stay home. But honestly, I want to stay home. I want to be there for the little smiles, the coos, the diapers. I love knowing what my daughter did all day long, and I love watching her grow. I do not feel like my degrees are wasted. I feel like this is what I am supposed to do.

If you feel like you can't give up your pedicures (I did and man, it's hard!!!) or you feel like you will view yourself as less for staying home, don't. Look deep inside and see what will make you most happy.

[Meghan]

Since I'm only in the planning stage of pre-parenthood, I don't have a whole lot of input. I will have to work because my husband doesn't make enough to cover all of our expenses, and we'll work our schedules so that childcare will be a combo of me, husband, & my mom a couple days per week (the down side: this will mean the husband and I are NEVER off at the same time!). The ideal situation for me would be working from home, and that's what I hope to have in place by the time we get pregnant.

Idea for blog name: Baby Poop & Dusty Suits. Baby Poop trumps Business Suits. Baby Poop over business suits.

[Linda]

1) What do you do for a living?

I'm an RN in an intensive care unit at a large metropolitan hospital.

2) How much money do you make?

I think last year my W2 said $45K.

3) Who takes care of your children? Parent? Grandparent? Daycare? Nanny?

I work 24 hours every weekend, Friday and Sunday night. I get a babysitter on Friday afternoons and Monday mornings so I can catch up on my sleep. Currently I have a friend who does it on Mondays and my MIL or another friend on Fridays.

4) How much do you pay for daycare per child?

For family, nothing. They're free. For friends, $8/hour.

5) Where do you live?

You know.

6) Other than the money, what made you make the decision you made?

There was never any question about me going back to work. I make half of our income while only working 24 hours/week and carry all the benefits. Plus, my work schedule is so ideal with little need for alternative childcare. I will say this, though: if I didn't have to work, I wouldn't. Or maybe I would just pick up a shift here and there, whenever I felt like it.

I love being home with my kids during the week. I've never felt like anyone looked down on me, maybe because I have my foot in both doors; I'm a SAHM and a work-outside-the-home mom. I've never understood people who say their brain will turn to mush if they stay home with their kids. We do a ton of stuff and now that E and L are talking and have conversations, I use my brain all the time. We have such a fun time together and I can't imagine not being here for this time in their lives.

It would have broken my heart to put them in daycare when they were infants. I can understand your reluctance. They're just so helpless at that age. I couldn't even leave them in the church nursery. Around a year, they seemed more independent and it got easier. I've been toying with the idea of daycare on Monday mornings and Friday afternoons so I don't always have to scrounge around for a sitter. Now that they're 2 and can communicate pretty well, I'd be more comfortable leaving them in a daycare setting, but it's far from my ideal. I love hanging out with them and being their primary caregiver, even if they are frustrating at times.

[Linda]

Shoot. I forgot to mention about that I really like my work. I like the high intensity and high stress environment, I like all my machines and beeps and noises, I like my patients (who usually aren't talking) and their families (who don't stop talking). I like making a difference, making a crappy situation a little less crappy. It's not just my job, but it's who I am. I never stop being a nurse, even when I'm not at work. I love it.

[Laura K.]

This is an interesting issue...

1 & 2) I am a teacher on a high step on the payscale. However, the past two years with my jobshare, I've been making 50% pay. By this year I made as much as I did my first year teaching (around 30k, or a little under).

With K, I went back to work when she was about 10 weeks old. With M, because I was jobsharing, I had to go back at 6 weeks or take a leave and no pay until the Fall, so I went back at six weeks. Both times I had about 6 weeks left of the year before summer break. Because of that, it almost felt like I went back *twice* with each kid...once when they were wee infants, and then again after hte summer break, when they were 5 or 6 mos. old. I have to say that going back in the Fall was much easier because they were older.

3) My mother and MIL take care of the kids, as well as a sitter from church one day/week. We are very, VERY fortunate to have such arrangements.
4) Not much! I'm ashamed to admit that neighter mother charges us...we throw in nicer gifts and gas cards (esp. for my MIL who drives farther). I was paying $20/half day for K for the one time a week she went to a sitter.
5) Metro Detroit area
6) It was money, yes (husband is also a teacher, and in a lesser-paying district with two years less experience than me, so we couldn't go down to one income), but also, as you said, that I like my job and I think it's good for the kids to spend that time away from me. However, it's also a job security thing...I can take up to 2 yrs. off and still have 'a job' promised me, but no guarantee that it'll be at the building/subject/grade level at which I currenlty teach, and I LOVE where I am right now.

Nobody has ever outright turned their nose up at me because I work outside the home, but it's interesting, and I'm not quite sure how to explain the reactions I sometimes get. It's like some people feel a need to justify, TO ME, that I work. I don't know quite how to explain it. It's comments that I always hear, about having summers off or having family take care of my children, or the fact that I was working 1/2 days. But sometimes it's said in a way that makes me think the person making it WOULD turn up his/her nose at me if it weren't for the fact that I have summers off or half days or grandmothers watching the kids. Make any sense?

All that said, I'm back to full time in the Fall. I'll have both kids at the sitter's for one full day a week, and K will be in preschool 2 days/week.

As for working everyday for 1/2 a day...It has its pros and cons, that's for sure. The cons are that you are getting two kids out the door EVERY FREAKIN' DAY, and that's half the battle, you know? And you're paying for a sitter, EVERY DAY (and 1/2 a day is never 1/2 the daily rate), gas to go to and from home/work/daycare EVERY DAY, etc. The pros are that, depending on what part of the day you work (if you are able to choose, I highly recommend working mornings), you have a good portion of the day with your kids, every day, which is nice. Working a.m. is nice because you work, get the kids, come home, and feel like you are able to keep track of things there, make dinner, etc. You don't really have that feeling of dread of going to work for the whole day and coming home beat. And if you have a job where you're not really bringing your work home w/you, 1/2 days are not bad, either. I guess in a perfect world, though, I'd be working three full days a week if I had a choice.

I still say that the US is sooooo sucky when it comes to maternity leave. Canada has a year, with what, a minimum of 40% pay? We have 6-12 weeks (12 if you're lucky) with no guarantee of pay. It's absurd. Who can make these decisions in a sleep-deprived state when you have just given birth?

[March]

1) What do you do for a living? Right now I'm a SAHM, living in Japan, husband is in the Navy. We have a girl who's 2 1/2 and currently pregnant with baby #2 due in October. I stopped working when we moved to Japan in April. Was the Customer Service Manager for my division of a large international company. Here in Japan, getting a job is not much of an option since I don't speak Japanese and the jobs at the base are very very limited and not necessarily very fulfilling.
2) How much money do you make? I was making $65K which combined with my husband's (he's an officer) made up for a nice amount... right now, not making money.
3) Who takes care of your children? Parent? Grandparent? Daycare? Nanny? My daughter was in daycare since she was 10 weeks, it was a great center, we loved the teachers, it was a bright cheerful environment... they even had closed circuit so I could log in via internet and check what was going on at my daughter's classroom... Felt guilty about leaving her the first month, after that I realized that she actually loved being around the other babies, and that released me from the guilt.
Right now I take care of her full time (husband is deployed), she goes to a english program at a Japanese pre-school three days a week for three hours each day.
4) How much do you pay for daycare per child? for full-time daycare in Southern CA we were paying $1200 a month. My paycheck covered it fine and had quite a good chunk for myself and extra savings. Here I pay $300 a month for the pre-school program.
5) Where do you live? Used to live in Orange County, CA until April when we moved to Japan.
6) Other than the money, what made you make the decision you made?
I never really thought about staying at home though the last two months of my pregnancy, I had to stay home in semi bedrest and starting toying with the idea of not going back to work... a month after my daughter was born my husband had to go in for surgery which could have been a career-breaker (he had to go to medical review, thank God he was not medically discharged)... so while he was in rehab for his surgery and we were considering the options in case he got medically discharged, I could not bare the thought of staying at home and not have a sure income to give me peace in case he did get discharged... so I went back to work. I chose my job based on geography, my office was 5 min away from my house and 7 min away from my daughter's daycare. My boss was great and had no problems when I had to leave early, of course I always compensated working over lunch hour.
Now that I'm in Japan, I have no option than to be a SAHM and a military wife... and it's been tough getting used to that, specially cause my daugther is very sociable and loves interaction with other kids, so being with her I need to constantly look for things to do and places to go to stimulate her... we go to lots of museums and parks and any other activity that will feed her brain. I'm anti-television so we watch none. but of course that makes it difficult for me.

I'm not sure what I would do if we were still in CA when this baby is born, my husband wants me to stay at home. So, being in Japan, the military made the choice for me.

I so miss the adult conversation, the challenges to be met which provided immediate results... being at home, you never really know if what you are doing is the right thing...

you'll always find people that will frown upon you, whether you work or stay at home, so even though it's annoying, you cannot really have that in your mind while making the decision...

really think what will give you the balance you wish to have in life and what will keep you sane for the sake of your kids... some women are able to be completely fulfilled staying at home, and some others go out of their brains... think of what will make you the best mom for your children and act accordingly... guilt will always be there no matter what you do, so don't think of the guilt...

Thank you for opening up this topic and for letting us take a look at your brain and soul through your blog.
I love your writing.

[Cindy]

Linda: Your comments struck me, you said what I generally feel. I think that you have a very good balance even though I'm sure it's still difficult in many ways (like all situations). Good for you, what a way to make things work.
Gerah, this has been such an interesting post because of the comments. It just shows how many different scenerios there are and how each family is making things work-or trying to!!!! There certainly are pros and cons for all. My eyes have been opened because I think I do judge working moms even though I didn't think I did prior to reading the comments, something I plan on being more conscious of in the future.
I didn't touch on this in my comments earlier but YES I feel judged every single day for staying home with the kids. I feel like people assume I didn't have a career before I had my family etc. Also, I find myself almost defending my decision to stay home when it's not even necessary to do so (when people ask "what do you do?" I usually respond "I am home with my kids but I used to....".

[Homestead]

1) What do you do for a living? I work for the state.
2) How much money do you make? Just under 40k/year. My husband makes about 27k/year as a wildland firefighter.
3) Who takes care of your children? Parent? Grandparent? Daycare? Nanny? In-home daycare.
4) How much do you pay for daycare per child? $19/day for one or $32/day for two. Insanely cheap... I know... but the costs of everything else in Montana are the same or higher than elsewhere in the country. Most things must be shipped here so the increased fuel costs are translating into increased costs for everything.... just like everywhere else!
5) Where do you live? Montana
6) Other than the money, what made you make the decision you made? It was all about money.... although I really like Nils answer above.... Our budget is extremely tight with two incomes and being cheap, cheap, cheap.... I would very much like to cut back my work hours and am trying very hard to figure out how to make it work.... but so far I haven't come up with anything brilliant.

[Moi]

1) What do you do for a living? Attorney--previously practice law for a number of years, as an asst. PD and then as a litigation associate in a firm. I left when my first child was 1. I now practice on a p/t basis in a non-traditional fashion.
2) How much money do you make? About $60 per hour, but only about 20 hours per month at most. My husband works f/t and earns about $90K.
3) Who takes care of your children? Parent? Grandparent? Daycare? Nanny? I do.
4) How much do you pay for daycare per child? Nothing.
5) Where do you live? North Eastern US.
6) Other than the money, what made you make the decision you made? I was in a job that I didn't like and would have made a career change if I didn't have kids. And, I didn't want my kids in daycare--personal choice.

[Nicole]

1) What do you do for a living?
I work in the classified ad department of the local newspapers.

2) How much money do you make?
Last year, $43,000 after taxes.

3) Who takes care of your children? Parent? Grandparent? Daycare? Nanny?
Daycare, unless daughter is sick, then she stays with her grandparents

4) How much do you pay for daycare per child?
1 child: $380 per month now that she's 2. Before she turned 2, it was $450/mo.

5) Where do you live?
Utah

6) Other than the money, what made you make the decision you made?
My husband's job didn't make nearly enough money to live on, so I had to continue working.

7) Do people turn up their nose at me for working?
Yes. It's strongly suggested in my religion that women are to be in the home rearing their children, a principle that I wholeheartedly believe in. However, if we relied solely on my husband's income, we'd be living with one set of parents the rest of our lives.

... If you can manage it, I strongly suggest that you stay home with your child. I can tell you would like to be able to, and if you have the means, do it!!
Good luck with whatever decision you make. It's a difficult decision -- I know from experience.