Looking for a replacement manservant, as my current one is packing his dusty Volkswagen and driving into the Western sunset as far as the earth will take him and never looking back.
The position serves as an assistant to me, Gerah, ruler of my home office. Qualifications include being artsy fartsy and being able to stumble your way through Adobe Photoshop, Adobe Illustrator and Adobe InDesign. Responsibilities include assisting me in my creative marketing business and may include graphic design and figuring out things you didn't know you knew how to do but I am confident that you can do them because I know you are smart and I'm your boss, (well kind of), creating content for e-newsletters on topics that you might not care about (but I do because my client does so you'll just do it if you want to make any money), and pretending that you are as excited about web design as I am. You should also be better than me in a few other technical/creative areas so that I can re-sell your skills to my clients and make more money.
When I run out of "fun", "colorful" things to work on, I may have you work on a marketing budget or spreadsheet and you will hate it but do it anyway and you'll probably take waaaay too long - and then my client may fire me because we charge too much. You may need to babysit my children when I have to run to a meeting. I hope you enjoy legos and pre-teen girl giggles.
This is a full-time or part-time or fraction of part-time position. Hours include showing up at the office sometime before noon and leaving the office around 2 or 3, usually. Some days you may want to push yourself to the limit and work till' 4, usually after I decided to yell at you for being a lazy man-child the previous day and have made you SOOOO ANGRY but have proven a point, and other days you might choose to show up at 7:59 am when I wasn't expecting you at all and I will come to the door in my red fuzzy robe with a towel on my head and lotion slathered all over my face. Some days I will not give you any work because I don't feel like it or I have a ton of work for you to do but you don't show up or I want you to finish the previous work that I already gave you but you are taking too long in my opinion.
I will not pay you regularly because you are not my employee although you will allow me to boss you around like you are. I pay YOU when I get paid from my clients and when my client does not pay on time and you whine about it I will get annoyed and tell you to GET A JOB and the fact that you are broke all the time and live at home with your father is not my problem, but good lawrd how are you EVER going to get a girlfriend?
When you come to "work" you will get my mail for me to see if any client checks have arrived and also make my coffee. If you forget to do these things for months at a time I will pretend to care but really I don't because because getting the mail and making coffee isn't really that hard, I just like having the company and I even sometimes make you sandwiches at lunch and, besides, I know you only make the fresh coffee for yourself, really, and get the mail because a check in the mail means you can pay your amazon.com credit card bill. It helps when you tell me how smart I am, in fact, I'll even give you an advance payment when you're broke if you compliment me on my legs! My husband will probably prefer you do not work at my home office because, well, you are a man, even though we know you are more like my gay best friend and I'd knock you out if you ever tried anything anyway. I guess I'd consider a ladyservant applicant but she might have to be homely looking to make me feel better about myself on a daily basis.
Qualified candidates will appreciate nerdy talk, funny youtube videos, inappropriate office humour and reply with "That's what SHE said" at least a dozen times a day and it doesn't really get old because we both find it hilariously funny. I will make you listen to Latin and other music that you don't like and sometimes we can listen to your angry music, too, but I hate it. Who the hell listens to Nine Inch Nails anymore, anyway? Jesus.
During the work day, you must listen to my kid and husband stories and pretend that you think my stories are adorable and funny, and then I will listen to your stories (except when I am staring at HTML or CSS, if so, no talking!) and make fun of you and give you endless unwanted life/career/relationship advice because I am a know-it-all and feel a need to act like your mother. You will get mad at me for being so bossy and you will pretend not to listen to anything I say because you are SO DAMN STUBBORN but deep down you will listen, because I am pretty much always right and you know I only do it because you remind me of myself at that age and I want to see you succeed.
Interested applicants may apply by emailing cover letter and resume to email@example.com by September 27, 2013.